DrunkyMunky

2001-04-02T21:42:00.000-07:00

Every fucking where I go.SigHhhh
~oh what a thing to do

2001-03-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

There is a line in 'Moonstruck' ..YES,I saw and liked a Cher movie.So much you don't yet know.
The line spoken by Nick Cage is roughly this.."all we are here to do is fall in love with the wrong people and break each others hearts.." Damn that Nick Cage.Only thing is,I'm not in love with the wrong person..bad timing,maybe.End result:broken heart.The theory might be flawed.
I had thought of a million and one witty and terribly heartwrenching things to say here..but you know them all.I love you.Right or wrong..for better or worse,right.My life has changed and will continue to.I am not the girl of a year ago or two weeks for that matter.I am coming to grips with my insecurities..who knew they'd be so vast?! I want happiness.For you,for us.US.
I'm terrible alone.(doing the Dr.Evil "you complete me" hand signal).
Dear lord!Who told them they could play Supertramp at this hour?!Don't they know small children may be about!

2001-03-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

2001-03-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

BRILLIANT!

2001-03-13T17:25:00.000-08:00

Dear lord purge my hard drive of the website links it has trespassed on.It knows not what it links to.Amen.

2001-03-13T16:55:00.000-08:00

There is a theory that somewhere at some place in time there is another you living out the same existance or possibly the exactly opposite existance than yours.I had always chalked it up to pseudo-intellectualistic babble.Until this.Unsettling.

2001-03-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

Sleep is overrated.I used to be able to cuddle up in my blanket and sleep it all away.Life found the portal to me through dreams.I am haunted(says the girl who invites the ghost).OHhhh to be heartless!To be without care.The relief it must be to be solitary.On that note it's back to work for me.Back to the old grind BAH DOOMP CHAA!

2001-03-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

I don't have the name for nothing.
I feel the need to declare to the world that I look DAMN sexy in my new green shirt and "dirty" (not in that way..although..) jeans.I feel like such a conformist going along with fashion trend.I say..if fashion leans toward the unkempt and damaged, I'm all over it.
Todays word is FASHIONISTA ..use it,be it.

2001-03-11T16:49:00.000-08:00

Suicide letters galore!What better way to spend a lazy aftertnoon than reading the soul splitting angst of another?Delayed realizations, fruitless declarations of hidden love and brief goodbyes seem to be a theme.

2001-03-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

A day and a haircut later I still ponder the meaning(lessness) of life.Is life A)purely for my amusement and to pass the time until time comes to pick out caskets or B) a silly hoax played upon unwitting bystanders?Or is it C) as overrated as sleep yet as intriguing as the three armed monkey?Some people have COOL names with COOL meanings.Mine means 'female sheep'-how crappy is that?Why can't it mean 'SHE-conquerer of the underworld' or 'one who is adored by many strange foreigners'..oh,wait,maybe the last one is pretty close to fact.Just a thought.

2001-03-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

So maybe this is the best quote I've found in some odd blog:
"You taste delicious. The funny faces you make are interesting to look at. Animals understand you. Your importance is unusual. A lost tribe salutes you from the other side of the veil. You have strong feet. It is hard to have sex while cooking dinner, but you can do it well."

~I've been awake for almost 8 hours and that is all I've been able to scrounge up by way of entertainment.Damn,I love days off!

2001-03-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

I love where I live.Aside from being in the middle of nowhere,I cannot help but LOVE it here.Perhaps it is that nice weather has finally hit.Maybe that is why I am uncharacteristically optimistic today.Driving by the airport(which strikes pain in my heart too deep to plumb the depths of)I came to the realization that everything here is low to the ground and usually in some shade of late 60's pastel.Being the desert,it is arid and blah for lack of a better descriptive word.Because it is so we try to fool ourselves into thinking we live in an oasis by putting in golf courses and spraying the sand with a green powder substance(containing god knows what and grass seed-can you say Malathion?)thusly dyeing the earth to suit our esthetic needs.Eventually the powder will sprout and be actual grass provided it can get enough of the precious little water it will be afforded.Eventually.Until then the ground is painted.I sit at a traffic light ruminating this thought.I look over to see the car opposite me,driver sitting with a strange half present look similiar to my own,and I wonder what he's thinking.

2001-03-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

Song that I cannot get out of my head today~Strangelove by Depeche Mode.I give in to sin because you have to make this life livable.Well said boys,well said.It occured to me while driving from work this morning,that names have a recurring role in my life.There are the dualing Corey's (Schmidt and the illustrious Foltz),and I have now completed my set of Andrews.The first was nothing to mention,a two week crush when I was 15.He was always "Andy".The second..well...that is another matter entirely.Much more than a two week crush and more involved,perfect and heartbreaking than any teenage notion.
If one was so inclined to make a link one might highlight the word where the link is to be put then click on the addlink button- type in the website to be linked to-without deleting the http//:.press OK and you're on your way.That is..if one were so inclined.

~Had a northern lad,well..not exactly had..first he loved my accent-how his knees could bend-thought we'd be okay-me and my molasses~

2001-03-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

This may be the best quote that I've ever read on a blog:
"Fist to throat, foot to forehead, foot to ear, knee to solar plexus. Nighty night".

2001-03-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

DAMN them for not playing the coachella valley music and arts festival.Then again,if I was them..I wouldn't want to come here either.So close yet so very far.And you thought the festival of lights was all I had to offer! It has just occurred to me that town planner/city development type people here always add the word "festival" to any event so as to make it seem far more jubilant than it will no doubt truly be.
Fun with "festival"..let's see if their theory works..
~Anal probing festival
~Hideous gaping wound festival
~Rash accompanied by oily discharge festival
It almost seems to work.Diabolical minds are at work here.

2001-03-07T18:56:00.000-08:00

2001-03-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

It seems to me there was another word for small.Diminutive..no,tiny..nope..little..hmm uhuh.OHhh yeah!

2001-03-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

I have just spent a large amount of time contemplating changing my template to the "my first blog" one.Just to annoy myself with the idiocy of it.In the end I didn't have the guts to do it.I cannot handle clicking into my page and seeing little scribble drawings holding hands and balloons.I draw the line at lavender.I will do many things simply for the sake of seeing how much I can annoy myself but "my first blog" is not one of those things.I have to be able to look myself in the eye,that's already trouble enough without templates complicating matters.It was a dilemma of faustian proportions..ahh see how I did that. :]

2001-03-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

If I ever became talented enough and learn to play an instrument or if I became confident enough to sing to other people instead of along to Blondie songs in my car,I would have a band and a bloody fabulous album.Possible names for said album:
A) Nowhere to Elbow
B) Survivor's Guilt
C) Be here now (damn Oasis for stealing this one!)
...Okay,I'll admit it,I watched a 'Behind the Music' on Oasis..I'm not proud of myself.I loathe and love them equally.I'm really trying to dislike them for their collective arrogance..it really only endears them to me.And whats up with the freaky hair?Who am I kidding I love it.I try valiantly to hate their music because they are such complete asses..no use.I'm a britlover through and through.Never was before.I've been infected with a malady there is no vaccination against.The black bags below my eyes tell the story.
The program had to be subtitled when the nefarious bros. Gallagher were being interviewed.I wondered if it was because they were really that incoherent.Was it subtitled in England?Would everyone there automatically know what "snogging" is without the handydandy little subtitle to translate it into 'american'?Thought so.Damn I live in a stupid country.We don't even use the word "fancy" on a daily basis for god's sake!
Todays word is FAUSTIAN
holy tapdancing christ!

2001-03-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

Todays word is CHUPACABRA

2001-03-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

What did I want to be when I was a kid?I think all I wanted to be was grown-up.Or a crackwhore..whatever.Now that my streetwalking days are behind me..what do I want to be now?ALONE in a small apartment that I will have to budget to afford but thrilled to have my own space?GONE off into the great big world living minute by minute?I hear Italy is nice this time of year.Perhaps I will pursue my true lifelong dream of selling fudge in a roadside stand in Haiti.Will I ever have achieved the status of being cool enough to have an action figure in my likeness?Will I ever NOT catch my breath at boys with odd,spikey hair and pastey skin in pancake restaurants?Truly,I think not.Oh the things I long to say...damn me.

2001-03-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ok,the saying goes.."all good children go to heaven" now,my thought is this..if you're a good child does that void out any and all adult life evil?Just a thought.Because if that's the case,I was a great kid.Never cut class no druggery(except for the 'cigarette incident' when I was 5) I should be in the clear to do whatever the hell I like,right?! If wishes were fishes right.

Shaving lessons,incredibly soft hair,I mean..honestly!Loss of sleep won't catch me until I am old.Who will feed my mind?

2001-03-05T17:42:00.000-08:00

I have just been contacted by a woman that I through clenched teeth refer to as my mother-in-law..and in an I'm so sorry tone she managed to rehash the better part of the last four years of my life including a guilt injected diatribe including,but not limited to,the use of the phrase"what you've done(the to my darling boy part was implied)".Meanwhile making it clear that she saw it coming and is in no way to blame."We had our differences in the beginning..but I just want you to know that I'm here for you honey..." A term she knows I detest,which is precisely why she uses it three times in this particular conversation - why are guns illegal again?

2001-03-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

What is it I must do to pay for all my crimes?
What is it I must do?
I would do it all the time.

2001-03-05T16:55:00.000-08:00

Finally socks online!Who hasn't been praying for this day to come?! (note catchy slogan)

2001-03-05T16:45:00.000-08:00

Robot on Robot...sounds pretty hot.

2001-03-05T16:23:00.000-08:00

NOT A PEOPLE PERSON

Today I went shopping.I had no real agenda,nothing I was in search of.I was simply wasting my time in an effort to get this day over with.I ended up purchasing some greeting cards and postcards as is my way.I found a hilarious one for one friend and a terribly true one for another.I stood there looking for a small card.SMALL-so,i wouldn't over-write,wouldn't say too much.How stupid is that?! I realized I was doing this after the fact.I was looking for an excuse to be impersonal,as is my way.I wanted to make a show of being friendly without the pesky trouble of getting too personal."Wish you were here" without "my life's fallen to shit let me go into detail...".
The wheather has been perfect.This pisses me off.I don't feel like beautiful wheather.It should be hailing down fire and sulphur to be to my liking.I could identify with that.I think I'm so tough.I count on the fact that no one can get to me.Untouchable emotionally.It's a defense mechanism you know.I didn't count on this.Thought I'd go on in my little organized existance without a hint of trouble.I was past that I thought.No more trouble for me!Who was I kidding?It appears only myself.I was born to live out a troublesome life.There has been time when I wished it away.That only seemed to summon it closer and so,I give in and embrace it like a pitiable lover.Just you try and stop me!

~Did you want me to change?Well I changed for good,and I want you to know-you'll always get your way~

2001-03-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

One minute to blog before I scurry off to work.I think work may be all I can concentrate on.It is mindless and monotonous and numbs my thoughts.Did I mention I'm pathetic in this world,in this life,place?DohHHhhh screw it..more later.

2001-03-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should've been born a ROBOT.

2001-03-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna talk about a cat but don't let that make you turn back..it get's better:Also,in this blog our girl learns how to use the BOLD button as well as the italics button.*beaming with pride*

What posseses people to entertain ideas like bathing their cat?A cat is not a naturally aquatic animal.As I type this my cat is sitting in an open briefcase giving me the stink-eye,trying to bathe off that yucky "human" scent.I could only take his stench for so long.He smelled like ASS.I had to do it.I will pay a professional next time.Someone who is equipped with falconers gloves and knows to avoid the pointy ends of a feline.Why did I not use my keen sense of cause and effect to reason out the most probable outcome of the cat-bathing debacle that was to ensue?There was a moment when I was reasonably positive that I had lost an eye.There were claws and some ungodly gutteral howl/wail that came out of my usually indifferent animal.I am a changed woman.I have seen the light.
When I came up with this idea I was shopping at Trader Joe's.I came upon the pet aisle,saw pet shampoo and thought-"now there's an idea,I'll bathe the cat!".How I would live (barely) to lament that moment of indiscretion.I should have rethought my strategic plan to corner said animal in a 3x5 room.I paid dearly.As he licks what I believe to be the flesh from my inner arm from under his back claws,I still eye him warily.
I think the only real answer to why I would attempt such a deathdefying stunt with a 17 pound black cat is that it is one more step on my road to mastering pain.It had badluck written all over it-if you believe in that sort of thing.I have this theory,it's not all mine,some others might have come to the same conclusion on the matter-not that it's a conclusion but...aww hell you know..The theory is that the more things you conquer the less you have to conquer.Make sense?The more painful things you put yourself through,the more you can handle/tolerate.I don't mean this in a masochistic,bondage way although...I figure if I put myself through new and different things (not necessarily always physical) then I begin to learn my limitations and boundaries.I learn more of myself.I learn what makes me cry and what I can grimace and bare through.Tattooing was all about this.My heart was stung and I needed something to match that ache.A black star bears witness to that.Anyone that knew,told me that tattoos are addictive.How right they were,while the first was yet healing on my drive home that night,I had planned out the location and design of the next.Pain still fresh,I was near begging for more.But that's just me.I'm always asking for it.

~I told you from the start just how this would end,when I get what I wan't then I never want it again~

2001-03-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Questions I ponder:
1) Is there one right person for everyone?
2) If there was how do we know who it is?
3) What if you find and unknowingly lose that one?
4) Why can't I stop watching the cooking channel?

Why does writing about it make it so much better and SO much worse?!A healthy dose of girl scout cookies (thin mints) and sleep is the answer I think.

~Life is a hangover,life is cold,life is a condom compared to sleep~

2001-03-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

2001-03-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

My kingdom for tickets to a Henry Rollins spoken word gig!
Oh yeah,the Vegas trip..shit of the purest ilk.You try spending 8 hours in a car with 6 people you realized you despised 10 minutes before you started the trip.I just wanted to be left alone to shrivle.Instead I was cursed with 10 hours of OOooOOooHHhhhing about the "10.99 all-you-can-eat buffet" that tourists just can't get enough of.But did I mention that I pulled over on the freeway and played in the snow?Picture a mini-van full of sceptical eyes."what's she doing?!"-"that's SNOW-it's cold!"-NO,really dimwit?We live in the freaking desert show some freaking awe and gratitude for snow!Get out here and make a damn snowangel before I pummel you!That show of attitiude was only two hours into said trip,I only got more wry.
My evil got the best of me I found,when I couldn't help but laugh out loud to myself at the thought of taking off and leaving them there.I held the carkeys.When questioned about my odd chortling,I denied response and chalked it up to the "3 foot margarita" I held in my deathgrip.
LASGODDAMNVEGAS.

2001-03-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

~soundtrack to this blog 'Natural blues'-Moby~

I feel poised for action.Like the second before you vomit when your body tenses,only without the nausea.The afteraffect is the same.I want to sleep it all away,put time between it and me.I want to write about what this feels like.I can't find words that can scream loud enough to do so.In spite of all my efforts to insulate myself, I am overcome by the rebeliousness of my heart.It won't let my more sedate brain win.It won't ever let me forget the perfection of another.I am secretly pleased.
Even now I write this for you.Words link us.Misspelled,memorable ones crammed with superfluous U's.
I've often wondered how conjoined twins cope upon seperation.If they both survive,there must be a moment when they look upon each other and it's all too fresh that they were-until recently-one. And are now,for all intents and purposes alone.Bound or asunder,is either an option?

2001-02-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

In my current state everything stings.Everything is damning and vividly reminds me.Renting a mini-van(I had always hoped the words "mini-van" would NEVER enter into my vocabulary)today for a much needed trip out of this godforsaken place tomorrow,I almost broke down at the new-car smell that reminded me of another semi-recently rented auto used on a vacation abroad.Everything reminds me of everything else.and if that's not vague enough for you,everything makes me think of Him. YOU.
I can't listen to my music,it is all reminiscent of him.Every damn song is about THIS,about NOW, about here or else about there or sung by someone from THERE.It fucks with my head.Guess I deserve that.
So,it's up at the crack of dawn to gather all of my work colleagues into a cofined space in which they will be transported to SIN CITY.Vegas,Baby,Vegas.Four hours in a car with people you have only ever really tolerated at best.My money is on me,that I sock someone before the first reststop.I drive,I pick the music that suits my driving agenda and if you don't like it...who cares-I'M driving!Nothing like getting pissed with work people.This should be better than scorpions in a jar.

Oh to be married by Elvis!Goddamn those sideburns!

I'm going nowhere with this.

2001-02-27T17:19:00.000-08:00

I awoke today composing heartache.How did I get this far in life unnoticed as the foremost purveyor of hellish pain?Sorry is not a large enough word.Neither is Bereft.

2001-02-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

At work today,while cleaning up after people old enough to know better than to leave half eaten scones and dirty dishes laying about,I had an epiphany.What if people always said exactly what they meant?Instead of sugarcoating thoughts just out and out saying what you had in mind to say.For instance instead of saying something like: "You look really nice" why not say what it is you really want to say : "I would love to dispense with your clothing and have my way with you for an indeterminant amount of time".Just think of the possibilities! This would have to be governed by some common sense.You probably would NOT want to speak your mind to a hottie accompanied by her large,wanted-in-ten-states boyfriend.Instead of "excuse me" maybe you could substitute something along the lines of oh,say.."get the hell out of my way old man before I messily devour you".You know what I mean.Just a thought.

~..Please forgive me if I act a little strange,it feels like lightning running through my veins,everytime I look at you..~

If like me, you realize that ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME..then email me at DrunkyMunky@go.com

2001-02-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

And so I went to that music store and I sold my trillion cd's for a handsome piece of change and did indeed make off with a few choice cuts.Radiohead-OK COMPUTER,a few assorted tidbits and bobs.
~Here we are now going to the westside,weapons in hand as we go for a ride...love and darkness and my sidearm..I pick up my friends and hope we won't die~

Do lyrics come any cooler than "love and darkness and my SIDEARM".I'm a fool for any song with the word "sidearm" in it.
(Note to self:add MOBY to list of people to procreate with.My sexuality is not shaken by a smallish bald man with imperfect teeth)

Cd's that I am obsessed with:
1)Coldplay-Parachutes(anything by these boys)
2)Elvis Costello-My aim is true
3)Tori Amos-From the choirgirl hotel
4)Moby-Play
5)Travis-The man who
6)'School House Rock' soundtrack

Rant:It is well known in my inner circle that I have an intensely peevish feeling for the bros. Gallagher (Noel/Liam) Of Oasis fame.I have such ill feelings towards them that I feel it needs to be voiced here in this arena.I say this because I am sick with disgust at myself that I purchased a cd by them today.I am not proud of this.I am torn because I can recognize the phenomenal talent they HAD at one time.Maybe the purchase was more in celebration of the fact that they now SUCK and I can rejoice in that knowledge every time I begrudgingly listen to the cd.Some people are just too cocky for their own good.I mean,if you're incredibly talented and without flaw like myself it takes a lot to see this as a problem but,if your name is "Noel"..you may rethink the cocky act.I feel my venom has been checked on this issue I've refrained from my usual profanity with regards to the subject.I'm not asking for agreement,my hatred is blind an immeasurable.I realize I have no affiliation with these people and for god's sake they are ROCKSTAR material,not mere mortals like the rest of us paeons.How dare I question a tantrum thrown in an airport because someone DARED say hello! I'm rambling here.I hold the rest of humanity in high regard.I save my base emotion to be loosed upon these great asses.
Maybe I should replenish my bloodsugar and perspective will be regained.I'm a bitter,bitter little blackhearted individual.Who would prefer otherwise once they've had it this way?Once you go bitter you never go back.

ALL YOUR BITTER ARE BELONG TO US.

2001-02-23T10:29:00.000-08:00

After going through and weeding out several cd's last night(I mean,who needs two copies of the same 'Dead Can Dance' album?) I now feel the unquashable urge to go on a cd binge.*arms flailing like the kid on Home Alone* I will run into the record store shrilly screaming about the new Radiohead,and my need for it.They will recognize that I am one serious music consumer.Maybe then they will simply GIVE me cd's so that I will not keep shrilly screaming.Then they may ask that I "vacate the premesis".Then I will have cd's,and that is all that matters right?

2001-02-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

2001-02-23T09:17:00.000-08:00

Finally,a day off!A day that will soon be filled with seperation of everyday life.New bank accounts will be opened,property will be put up for sale and pets will be divided.

How the dialogue might go:

Him: You can have the big chair that the cat peed on.
Her:Thanks but I wouldn't want to rob you.
Him:You want the bed?
Her:(looks long and hard at big EMPTY bed) Nah,I'll get a futon...or something.

*followed by tense silences and forced politeness,accompanied by averted eyes*

One for the history books kids.

2001-02-23T09:05:00.000-08:00

Read her DAMMIT!She's my superhero.I wanna be Heather Champ when I grow up.

2001-02-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

I am so sober it's painful.I wish I had the capacity to REALLY drink.Then there would be no issue.I would simply live my life as a lush.I would be the whispered about family member that everyone is afraid to approach,in fear that a Blanch Du Boise-like scene might occur.Or maybe,I'll become pathetic and live out the rest of my natural born days on the streets.Nothing like a little dumpster dining to keep one humble and centered.I could give into my escapist self and flee off into the canyons and become a hermit.I'm not above living off rodentia.I could kick it in a cave,vacumming would be at a minimum.They are all options.

*intermission during which I peruse a 'Field and Stream' magazine*

Why the hell is there a 'Field and Stream' magazine in my house!?*Special TERROR IN THE WILD issue* Complete with artist's rendering of just exactly what a Kodiac bear looks like in attack mode.Man,that's a lot of spittle!This is unsettling.

2001-02-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

I had this dream last night that I was at my friends grandparents house.She wasn't there so I had to wait alone with her grandfather,who in my dream I kept finding sexier and sexier.Mind you,I'm not a lover of the geez.So I'm sat there with him trying to make conversation and not knowing what to do with myself when he asks me to take out the trash.I oblige,happy for the release from sexual tension with gramps.I walk outside the front door and I'm in someplace that I can only imagine to be some prairie state.Nothing as far as the eye can see.Just a cold,predawn morning to greet me on my trash run.Around the house I go to dispose of said trash.When I get to the trash can "place" it is inhabited nay populated by cats.minute cats everywhere.Not regular ones but violet and blue cats,all over the place.Pygmy sized and I'm thinkng..if I could catch one,how cool would that be,I could have a pocket cat.So,I do catch one of the violet ones and take it inside to show off my cat catching prowess to the geezer hottie.He is unimpressed and doesn't believe the cat is purple.I am disgusted at his lack of emotion at this obvious sign from god.So I tell him it would never have worked out anyway because he's gonna kick off soon,and then I ask him if I can send a fax from the bathroom.
The dreams that I remember are always like this.Odd and disjointed and usually I fall for the oddest person in my dream cast.The funny thing is when I wake up and later on see that person I'm still kinda drawn to them like..hey friends grandpa,GRRrrrrRaoRao.

2001-02-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

Bartleby.com

2001-02-20T20:24:00.000-08:00

Looking at older pictures of myself I am half inclined to hold them up to the mirror to see if I still even closely resemble ME.Even ones from rather recently seem to be pictures of someone else.I am not that person.I don't feel as carefree as that pic would have you think me to be.Nor am I as taken with the gusto of young life as the other might incline one to think.Was my hair really that long?Is that my natural colour?
I'm embittered with the fact that life is a REALITY based thing!Who knew this?!I always thought I'd learn from the mistakes of others.I assumed that I was far too intelligent and perceptive to do anything stupid enough like break my own heart or endanger my sanity(what there is to it).I'd never be the one beating my head against a wall.

*reality check*

Good thing I didn't choose to disregard gravity or some other undeniable law as I have disregarded my fallability.Breakability.Although,there was the one time I "flew" off my roof convinced I would simply come to a slow,gliding landing.The tree that broke my fall wasn't what I had in mind.I was pulling leaves and splinters from unmentionable places for days on end.Months later,when moving from what I have now termed the "crash site" I found one of the socks I had been wearing that fateful,alcohol doused evening.Blood and leaves still intact.No wonder air travel scares the crap out of me.I fear I'll hallucinate trees and wake up in the airport infirmary shreiking about shrubbery.Not pretty.
Also,who knew that Morrissey would hold such a grip on my memory?I hear him or the Smiths and can't but conjure high school memories of trying to be misunderstood and...pale.I had little trouble with either.Maybe thats where my penchant for black clothing came from, a throwback homage to my Depeche Mode/Smiths/Cure days.Maybe it's that I just look adorable in all things noir.Like the colour was made to suit me.Did I just assign the word "adorable" to myself?!I'm sickened.

TO BE,OR NOT,
OR BOTH,
OR NEITHER

Come to think of it,it's odd that the person that should know the most about me,namely ME-couldn't tell you one thing about what the hell goes on in this head of mine.Except the times when I daydream about being Cheetara from the Thundercats.I seem to have crystal clear reception on that.

By the power of Greyskull this is my best blog ever!

2001-02-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

Check this site:
"Gerbiling" *BLEHHHHHHhhhhh.

2001-02-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

Things to do today:
*Go outside
*Stop KNOWING the grass is greener on the other side

I am so influenced by music.It is such a potent drug.It's funny what it can induce in me,I can slip into it-dark and sad.I can fall headfirst-loud and enraged.The other night I'm standing there,in the dark listening to one of my favorite bands playing live,strobe lights going,crowd awash in garish colours and it made me so unbelievably crazed,Thrilled,saddened,horny(not necessarily in that order).Lyrical thought appeals to me.While standing there watching/listening/pulsating I was so "inspired"-that sounds so cheesey-But,I was.Thoughts bombarded me-I had to find a pen,and for lack of paper, ended up with a song written on my arm.I woke up the next morning,saw it and had a good laugh.

2001-02-19T14:04:00.000-08:00

Another day, after another night, after another riproaring fight.What does it matter anymore?I think I'm gonna pack all my crap..Hmm that could be a lot because I couldn't leave behind my cd's or my books or my pictures or my extensive clothing and shoe collection..into one big bandana(a la hobo) tie it all on the end of a stick and walk my sassy little self off into the sunset!Maybe I'll rent a U-haul and drive it all off into the sunset.Enough of that so-sorry-for-myself shite.
I was driving home from work this afternoon and had to turn on the airconditioning in the car.It's not even spring yet and it's so bloody hot I had to use the A.C.That's what I get for living amidst the sun and sand.
I was so mad yesterday,that I thought to myself 'that's it!I'm going to get passport photos taken!!'.I think that this is perhaps the cruellest of all moves.To feel so exhausted by something/someone that your first thought is to flee the country-pretty bad.Damn it,there I go again with my violin playing,teary eyed,melodrama.

*The way things have been,I live in a heap.I feed in the soundtrack,and it's off to sleep.*

I can't stop listening to Badly Drawn Boy.Help.

2001-02-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.dvd.com/stories/play/sopranos/default.asp

just call me "the Abalone" -what the...? "Cedar Teeth"?

2001-02-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

"Blog,Blog-it's big,it's heavy.it's wood.
Blog,Blog,it's better than bad-it's good!"

2001-02-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

HOW could I love you more?
I would give up
Even that beauty I have loved too well
That I might love you better.
Alas, how poor the gifts that lovers give— 5
I can but give you of my flesh and strength,
I can but give you these few passing days
And passionate words that, since our speech began,
All lovers whisper in all ladies' ears.

I try to think of some one lovely gift 10
No lover yet in all the world has found;
I think: If the cold sombre gods
Were hot with love as I am
Could they not endow you with a star
And fix bright youth for ever in your limbs? 15
Could they not give you all things that I lack?

You should have loved a god; I am but dust.
Yet no god loves as loves this poor frail dust.

-Richard Aldington

(Refer to the entry of 2/17 10:42 am)*Do you sleep?/maybe you walk to the train/awkwardly/self consciously/as if you weren't a god

2001-02-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

10:30 p.m-the grocery store.
Somehow the harsh flourescent lighting and pitiful musak remakes of Pretenders songs fit my mood tonight.I can't stay home,it's far to mind numbing a prospect.I can wander aimlessly perusing the fruit section or glancing furtively at the pickled eggs and feel at ease.No one here will pass judgement on me.Besides,what is THEIR story?Why are THEY here after THEIR bedtime?Are they trying not to think all the thoughts that have been flooding THEM for the last few months?Are they weighing out the merit of decisions made?I wander and start to think of things that should be sold in this bi-product,preservative packed,flavour enhanced,no MSG mecca.I think that vodka flavoured doughnuts would solve a lot of my problems.Maybe sense inducing shower gel would be helpful.HMmmm

2001-02-17T18:25:00.000-08:00

Number of times this week I have taken off driving,turned a corner only to have my driver's side door fling open and nearly crack off it's hinge because I forgot to close it : 4 -NOOooo,I'm not preoccupied or anything.

2001-02-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

Green Skittles(c) taste like Windex(c).Don't take my word for it.

2001-02-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

I think I'm starting a trend with this calling-in-sick business.With myself mostly.I'm setting a bad example for ME.Now that the guilt ridden part of this blog is over with I can state happily that I woke up obscenely late with only nothing to do on my mind.I can't express how nice it was to wake up to no one but my cats(don't flee,I'm not a freakish cat owner that insists on showing pictures of myself and my cats on vacation.I don't call them "my babies").Dear lord,how does one person end up with 4,count 'em 4 cats?!I can barely keep my crap together let alone bother with them.But,I digress..what I was trying to get across is that it was great ot wake up to the unconditional adoration supplied by them.Pets don't give a damn if you're a shit.They love you even if you're breaking everyone elses' hearts.They will cuddle up and watch BBC with me and pass no judgement when I don't shower until midnight.Everyone needs something/someone like this.
Look at me,here I am treating my scars like they were present tense.It would seem that all I want to do is write incessantly about what I am don't have,but,that is a conscious choice.Damn my responsibility!

*Do you sleep?/maybe you walk to the train/awkwardly/self consciously/as if you weren't a god

Never as much myself as when:
1)eating oranges
2)wasting time
3)calling in sick
4)overthinking
5)kissing you

2001-02-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

Home again.Still spinning from my short stay in San Francisco.Two days of revelry and getting rained on.It felt like the sky was pissing on me,not that that's a new thing.COLDPLAY.God I love those brits!Not just those brits,but,brits in general.Well,maybe only one brit,but that's a whole other blog.*anglophilic moment* So,here I am in the middle of the freaking desert after a too short jaunt to the city of my dreams.I felt Sooo touristy,what with my camera out clicking away "ohh look theres a BRIDGE!..I've gotta get a picture!".Idiocy!I'd have run me over if I lived there.Back to real life of acting like I give a damn that some geriatrics latte isn't hot enough.Spare me.[2/14]

2001-02-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

Assorted snippets of my last conversation with Tara:

~"Man, have I got such a panache for screwing things up."
~"My brain swims around that thought."
~"I spend my time listening to the "shoulds"."
~"I am many faceted and scary as hell."
~"I deflate his world on a daily basis.I am his lot in life,bum luck for him"
~"I am not a pretty girl,that is not what I do."
~"At least I'm not a crackwhore!"
~"YOU-compulsive behaviour?NOOOooo."
~"I don't think I should do it,but I can't assure you that I won't"
~"Dammit!Bastards!Don't they know I'm on the phone!Bastard llamas!"
~"two buck pillows!Man,who can beat that?"
~"I knew you were rad when you accepted me wearing the kid size sunglasses on in the grocery store"

2001-02-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm another blank spot on which to let my brain ooze.It strikes me as funny that if my brain could type(with it's little synapsey fingers of course)that this blog would be a million miles long and churned out in the blink of an eye.My fingers never move fast enough to convey what it is I'm REALLY thinking,and by the time my motor skills catch up-my superior thoughts are ~poof~ gone.All I am left with are my crazy minded idiosyncratic thoughts,which I have grown to love and cultivate as often as possible now.It used to scare the bejeezus(I bet you always wondered how to spell that)out of me that I might-dare I say it-be insane,now I welcome that thought in that it sets me apart form other mortals.I truly am non-conformist in my nutty little way.I know,I know,people that try to be different all end up being strangely similiar.My trick is that I don't try.I let my fucked up brain chemicals do all the manic talking for me.When I let them flow I end up being so pleased with the outcome that I feel compelled to go straight to the 7-11 and hog down a jalapeno chilidog accompanied by a delicious chocolate milk.THIS my friends,is the meaning of life.When,after chowing said chilidog and sugar laden lactose product,you(or rather I) double over in what feels like the beginning of my deathroll for a few seconds,then suddenly realize that HEY I'm not gonna die after all!THAT my chums,is the beauty part.A close swipe with death and then redemption.That's all I've got to say about that.

2001-02-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

Up at 4:45 a.m-I don't think so.I managed to drag my ass out of bed for a few hours work before I was able to pull the wool over the eyes of the nitwits and go home "sick".It's true,I was sick of being there.Not a good thing when you're the manager.I'm setting some example!Enough of that ADULT talk-manager business!I have achieved what I came home to achieve and that is to blog a bit and then maybe take in some tv.I think the naked chef is on.I'm hooked-it's sick,I know.I can hear the litre of Coke and the Nutterbutters calling me from the kitchen.Bastards!How do they always find me!?
I have taken to wondering if I am the only 24 year old that wants to run away from home-my home,not my parents.I'm thinking that this may be a little odd.Hmmm.Maybe I'll go take some wierd pictures of the common oddities that surround me.Yep,that sounds like an idea